I hate dreary weather...

It's cold. And rainy. And depressing.

I can't help but feel so sad when it's like this, but I keep trying to think of something to cheer myself up. I'm safe. I'm home with my sweet husband. I have a great life and awesome family. It still doesn't seem to help cheer me up.

I've been reading this blog about a mother who lost her 2 day old baby. It's so sad and she's documented the whole process, for her own healing and for encouraging others to reach out and find God. It's encouraging to see her healing from such a great loss. I'd like to think I could recover from a tragedy such as that... I'm glad I don't have to. Her little Maddie Grace was so so precious and sweet. Her story is very touching and I'm glad I got the chance to peer into the lives of such a sweet little family, though I wish it wasn't because of a blog inspired by the loss of one of their children. It's funny how you can read something and see it all playing out in your mind the way it's described. The words grab ahold of your heart and squeeze it so tightly you feel as if it's your own loss. You cry and laugh as you read, and you can actually feel the weight of their sorrow on your heart. As much as I now feel attached to this family, they know nothing of me, and probably never will. And while I had to read every word of the blog, it honestly has not truly "cheered me up"... not that it was meant to.

Ugh. I hate this weather.

I should be really happy right now... my husband is doing dishes. I'm not though; I feel guilty. He works all day and I am a housewife. I have not done dishes in a few days and now there is a full sink of them.

I think I have a weird case of baby fever. Except I don't. It's hard to explain, but I would love to have a sweet little newborn baby girl to take care of, to dress, to bond with and teach... and at the same time, I'm absolutely terrified of being a parent, raising a child, and what the future holds. I'm assuming it's for this reason that I stalk the forums on http://www.whattoexpect.com/ and wonder if I'm pregnant every month, just because I missed a pill or two. I wish I could just be a newborn's nanny.

I can't decide if I really want to have kids or not. My husband and I both always said we wanted them. Our ideal little family is the two of us and two little girls, not that you get to plan it out like that. I want to put pink bows on their little heads and kiss their cheeks. Pose them while they're sleeping and snap hundreds of photos. Paint their little nails and take them shopping... all of that. We even talk about names... and we're both super picky. What's funny is my husband doesn't like ANY boys' names.... none. I know he wants to have a daddy's little girl so bad. I want to give him one, but I don't know if we will decide to have babies or not. We go back and forth on the idea... who knows.

We've only been married for 3 months anyway (today is our 3 month anniversary, in fact) so if we do end up having children, hopefully it won't be anytime terribly soon. Of course, if we were to be surprised with a little "oops baby", we'd both be excited and very happy. But I'd like to plan a baby and hope for it.

Annnd let the depressing music begin... my husband just put pandora radio on in the kitchen to work to... ugh. Think I'll go cuddle with my kitties. Tata for now.